Dealing With People With Boundary and Self-Control Issues

Dealing With People With Boundary and Self-Control Issues

Problem: There are two kinds of difficult people at work. The first is someone who may be too loud, too slow, or too pessimistic. This kind of person can often be reasoned with. Disagreements can usually be negotiated and worked out.

The second kind of person is not as easy to handle. They don't really respond well to reason and negotiation. In fact, sometimes, it is almost impossible to get your way with them.

People with boundary and self-control issues clearly fall into the second category. They are often very creative people. They generally work hard and sometimes produce outstanding results. But they are often difficult to deal with emotionally. They are quite unstable and have a lot of trouble with their interpersonal relationships.

These people are extremely difficult to be around. Because of their lack of clear boundaries, they will often barge into your office or interrupt conversations. Due to their inability to control themselves, they tend to do whatever they feel like doing in the moment. They can be very impulsive and may change their minds repeatedly.

You can recognize these people through the following behaviors:

• They tell you much more about their past than you ever wanted to know;
• They say great things about you, but after a problem, they are very critical and rejecting;

• They act impulsively by making poorly thought out business decisions or spending money in inappropriate ways.

• They exhibit strong mood swings that are accompanied by extreme anxiety or intense anger.

When you are involved with one of these people at work, you face a real predicament. How can you get their best work from them without becoming all enmeshed in their emotional issues? How can you stay neutral with people who are anything but?

Solution: Here are some useful ways of coping with this type of person:

• Set very clear boundaries. They will whine, cry, get angry and resist but don't give in.
• Expect a volatile love/hate relationship, but don't take it personally.

• Resolve your anger outside of the relationship because it will just feed their anger.

• Keep detailed records describing their unstable decisions and erratic spending habits. These details will be important if they need to be disciplined or fired.

• Talk to them about what the consequences of their actions will be, e.g., "If you do that again, I'll have to report you."

Example: A VP in the financial services industry found that her manager was not completing his financial reports on time. He was also not returning calls or meeting with his people. When she confronted him about these things, he was verbally abusive. So she came to me for help.

I taught her that he had boundary and self control issues and what that meant. I helped her set clear boundaries and goals with him. I also showed her how not to fight with him and how not to take his comments personally.

Results: The outcome of our work together was that she became better at setting limits. And her employee began to calm down, control himself and do what he needed to do. However, as with all people who have this kind of problem, it was still uncertain that he would ever become a top-level performer.

Summary: These people are not easy to deal with. But if you follow these suggestions, you'll be able to cope more effectively with them and get better work from them as well.

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Michael H. Smith, Ph.D.
5801 Leona St., Ste A
Oakland, CA 94605

Tel: 510-530-7900
Fax: 510-530-7922
Email: MHSmith@MichaelHSmithPhD.Com